When I posted the elevator story the other day, I told myself that I needed to do more posts like that. No more sad or deep posts. Well I guess I was wrong.
I am not posting this to get sympathy or anything like that, so if you think that F*CK YOU.
I just need to get some thoughts out of my brain.
My older brother (mid 50’s) just found out he has severe lung cancer. He is trying to get scheduled for a full body scan ASAP to see if it is anywhere else.
I know others have gone through this with family members & I know there is numerous "stages" to your feelings, so I know the different emotions I have running through me are normal. But still they suck.
I keep going from the "he will be ok" stage, to the "sad & crying stage" because I feel for him & the rest of my family, to the "pissed off & angry" stage. It has only been a few hours since I have known for sure that he has cancer, but I have went back & forth between all of these stages a lot since then. As the day goes on I have found myself getting stuck in the pissed off stage. Even though I don’t know who I am pissed at. I guess I am pissed at whatever all mighty being you personally believe in that is responsible for controlling the spinning rock we all live on.
It is not fair. My brother has never purposely hurt anyone (aside from the normally family issues, or some things during his relationships). But as far as I know, he has never purposely got into a fight with someone. If anything he has went out of his way to be nice. He has spent most of his adult life worried that he wasn’t doing stuff right according to others. He has always been "nice to nature". He loves nature. Goes out of his way to make sure he cleans up where others have not.
Some people may not like the fact that he is essentially as 60’s hippie born to late to really be a 60’s hippie. But it worked for him. He would do anything for anyone & not expect anything in return. Why does he have to have a greater chance of his life being cut short when all these assholes, sex offenders, criminals, thugs & murders don’t?
I also am feeling guilty. I have not spent a lot of time with my brother. A lot of it was caused by geography. I lived in South Florida most of my life & earlier in my life he was traveling the county (aka - hitch hiking around). Then the last 10+ years he has been in New York. Well I call it upstate New York so that others dont think he is a city dweller.
Anyway. I am done writing about that for now.
Unfortunately today I also learned some other information, that at first doesnt sound bad, but it makes me very sad. Actually I am getting very emotional right now just thinking about it………………………..
While my father was staying with Michell & I, I would take him on wheel chair rides around the neighborhood. These neighborhood "walks" would really cheer him up. He loved being outside & expressed his love & hapiness that we were actually spending time together.
Side story - Growing up me & dad never really saw eye to eye. He seemed like a heartless man that didn’t really have any feelings. So we did not really interact. He was just always "the man in the recliner".
Well during his recovery period this all changed. He showed feelings, we both bonded a lot. He said a lot of very nice things, which I know he always felt & still feels.
Anyway, I knew that his memory has been a lot worse since his heart attack, but today I learned he does not remember anything about all the time we spent together. None of the wheel chair rides. None of the driving around we did. None of the discussions we had & none of the feelings we shared.
Now I understand that I am very lucky to still have him in my life & that I need to make the most of the time I still have with him. That this time is time that we almost did not have, but I am very sad that he knows nothing about everything we shared. Over the last month or so I have actually caught myself remembering these times & smiling, but now I know he has no idea what all we shared.
And he still has problems remembering anything that happened last week. So even if we continue to share time together, those memories will just continue to fade in his mind.
Ok… sorry for the abrupt stop, but I am done.